from katie

2024 felt so very full of so many different things.

While I was remembering the year, I made a list and this is what came about:

sunshine

grief

lament

giving thoughts their right place

enjoying outside

gardening

zinias and watermelon

herb fails

baking bread

family style dinner, at the table

contentment

prayer

homeschooling

romanticizing the mundane

scripture

communication

travel

growth

fostering

bike rides with George

fridays with Lou

sunny car rides in the Lexus with the windows down and music loud

seeing our capacity grow when we felt stretched thin.

ten years of marriage

This year I was outside more than I have been since being a kid. Time In nature has left me with no choice but to slow down and notice things that I otherwise would have missed. order within the natural chaos, seeing all that has been tainted by the fall but also thinking of how it was once a perfect fit for us - that we were hosted by the ultimate homemaker, God himself. Homemaking isn’t anything new, it was one of the very first ways that God showed love. These things linger in my mind even this year, and hopefully will for years to come. Thoughts of God preparing us room knowing we would eventually leave him, and then coming for us, saving us, all while wearing our own flesh. He loved us, human beings, so much that he became like us just to save us. I began last year meditating on these truths but continued the year whispering prayers to him that I do believe and sometimes screaming “but help my unbelief!!” In my deepest and most raw feelings, I was left asking how God can be good and sovereign. How can he be both? How can he know and plan and have it written out, and it be this* way, this* hard, this* sad, this* dark, this* silent? I still have questions today, but I also have more rest and trust in him too.

Early last year I had an eye procedure called a laser iridotomy. It was very simple, made me nervous, but was overall it was not a big deal. The appointment had me waiting around a bit though. Check in, check pressures, numb the eye, laser, one more checking the pressure before the let me go - you get it. While waiting, I listened to John Tysons sermon titles God Comes Where He’s Wanted. He spoke on Psalm 63. Here are some notes I typed while I was in the waiting room that morning-

Pouring his heart out in the desert of Judah while his son is chasing him down to murder him. It came from a desperate, low place. 

The gap is the gift. The distance between what you want and where you are is what creates the hunger. 

It's the pain that forms us. Having everything we want doesn't make us hunger more. 

What if we don't want God?

What if we wanted him and he didn't come?

Cultivating spiritual hunger and desire*

-

If my situation gets better will my hunger increase? God will often put us in harder situations to stir our hunger up. Anyone who is loving will put you in conditions to activate our love, not dull it. 

Hunger is born from frustration and dissatisfaction and sometimes anger. 

Jesus was heard for his loud cries and tears. Thank you for the gift of discomfort. 

-

Understand examine and seek fulfillment of your longings. Aching for God is a gift from him, and he will not disappoint when we cry out. 

The gap is the gift. 

"Because your love is better than life my lips will glorify you."

This was in early March. I had no idea of the gaps that I would be seeing this year - but He knew. Looking back, this was a reminder to me that he is indeed sovereign. But is he good? The year went on and we started and finished foster training. Doing live online classes for 7 weeks, preparing a room, homestudies, and interviews. In between this, I was walking through trauma, worry, grief, and depression. Entering into my “gap”. My gap looked like learning to show up to therapy, learning to lament, and giving myself space to feel. Through my wrestling, wondering, and crying out - He met me. He met me in my panic in feburary while I watched a movie with josh and turned it off when my heart felt like it might explode and all I knew to do was open the bible. Josh read Psalm 71 over me and it became my song of the year, maybe of my life. He met me in that eye doctor waiting room through a new york city church sermon, he met me in my fear, my mothering, my quiet, my travel, my wrestless sleep, my worry, my anger, and my doubt.

I wrestled in the word, in prayer, in therapy, on sunday mornings at church, on monday mornings alone. I wrestled to believe, really wondering but fighting for it at the same time, and I truly believe that was his protection over me. And then we got the email, “Congratulations! Youre an approved foster family!” Relief, the work was done! Now we wait. But only a few hours. The phone rang and we said yes. This was the moment that I was thrown into trusting God wether I liked it or not. What else was there? I was handed this little life, by a stranger, and told their diaper size and left with a quick, “Thanks, have a good day!” But wait. What do they like to eat? Do they have any allergies? Do they sleep through the night? Like to be rocked? Drink milk? What size diaper was that again?

And in a moment He was using the same attribute that I was angry with to show me his comfort and love. I found myself surrendering to his sovereignty and goodness without even knowing it. I caught myself praying that he would give us discernment to care for her, because there was no one else that knew her better. I cried to the God who knit her together, knew when she would sit and lay down, who knows the number of hairs on her head and asked him to help us know her too. And he met us again. We figured out that bedtime routine and how to help her feel safe when she was terrified and then as we caught our breath, she was able to go be with family. And it was in those moments of desperation that I trusted him again. It was not a conscious choice, if anything I had no other choice. Either way, in my doubt and anger he met me. In the gap of were I was and where I wanted to be, I saw his infinite holiness. He is so different than me. My mind cant comprehend his ways and thoughts and plans and waht I do think I know, is only because he has revealed it to me. Questions come and go, but he remains with me.

So yes, this year we did a big bathroom and basement renovation, we spent hundreds of hours outside hiking, gardening, and traveling. We made the sweetest disney memories and my kids started the year with their first plane ride and and ended it with their 13th plane ride. But behind those really fun moments together, it was a mentally exhausting year for me. Now, I’m excited and expectant for 2025. Rythmns over resolutions.

Lists. Reading plans. Journaling. Contentment. Discernement. Hospitality. Quiet. Early mornings. Board games. Sunshine. Hymns. Finishing what I start. Sharing more here. And giving our best yes.